For a while now, I've been someone who is great when they're busy, but feels off when they're not doing much. Not content in being melancholic all the time, I've started trying to understand what is going on upstairs in my head. On top of those everyday things, there are deeper, underlying issues that I have and need to deal with. I'm not fussed about writing about why I have those issues because there's no benefit in staying frustrated and sad about what's happened in the past. People are going through their own emotional journeys and any mistakes are simply that: mistakes. I've thought a lot about the past, but what matters most at this point is where I am now and what I do to improve my situation, so that's what this post is about.
Having the background that I have and being the person that I am, I often feel like I'm not allowed to feel how I do. I realise that I need to heed my own advice about this subject because I know that everyone, including me, has the right to feel down. Someone asks me how I am? The answer does not have to be "yeah, I'm good" just because of a stupid societal norm and I don't have to commit to the lie if I do say I'm okay. Everything doesn't always have to be hunky dory and the world won't burn down to the ground if I'm open about my emotions. I should not feel embarrassed, I should admit these emotions to both myself and others so that I can deal with them and get the support that I need.
The reality is that I lack self-belief. It's strange to say that when I trust my own judgement a lot, but it's the truth. I think my bravery to challenge myself is confused with self-confidence. When I'm rational, I look at my achievements and I'm like "damn, that's pretty special," but I don't really let it sink in (probably why I used the word pretty). Instead of validating myself, I look for validation from others and that's why I'm so loud, show off and love being the centre of attention. Rather than overcompensating like that, I need to understand that the person I am at this exact moment, whatever that moment may be, is enough. I have to be able to be a major part of my own support structure.
Something else I've realised is that I avoid conflict like the plague. Whilst it's not good to search for conflict, I can go to the other extreme and allow myself to be trampled on. I would love to have a deep relationship, a friend who I can tell everything to and they can do the same back, so that I feel less lonely. I’ve had that once (didn’t end well), so I can find a bit of solace in that, but I haven’t had it since and it’s something I am definitely on the lookout for. The combination of being desperate to build those kinds of close, honest relationships and having learned to hate conflict during my childhood means that I won't always express myself as and when I should, allowing people to make me the butt of the joke too often or speak to me disrespectfully. If someone doesn't like me or they reject me in any way, that becomes a rejection of me as an individual and on top of that I haven't received that external validation from someone else that I (thought I) need(ed).
So that, in a very small nutshell, is how I feel. Just being aware of those emotions is something I am proud of because now I have the opportunity to address these issues at a very early point in my life. That's the first, and a very important, step in learning how to be more confident and truer to myself. I've always said that if something was important enough to me, I'd do it. Well I am a fighter and this - 'this' being improving my mental health and finding healthy ways of dealing with issues - is important to me, so here are the changes that I am implementing into my life. On a quick sidenote: it's nice knowing that there are so many methods that I can use to bring about more calm and balance to my life.
So numero uno is being clear about how I feel. The way I've started doing that is to do meditation every day. I managed to complete 31 days in a row and I'm continuing it for as long as I can. I'm using the Headspace app (no this isn't just some elaborate product plug) and it's guiding me on how to be more present and have greater clarity, but most importantly it’s helping me to change my relationship with my thoughts. On top of that, I've started doing yoga again, so that should help me relax in stressful situations, aiding the work that the meditation is doing.
Using that clarity, it's essential for me to be honest with whatever I discover. This is quite a scary prospect in my eyes - there are things that I've hidden from myself for a reason and now is the time to lift up the rug and see what issues have been swept underneath it. It’s scary, but it’s the only way to deal with it. So, one way of being honest with myself and the others around me is in online in posts like this, which is a difficult and important step for me. The other more difficult and more important step is being honest face-to-face. What I’m going through is not an independent struggle. I cannot do this alone and so I need to be honest with others so that they can support me. In the process, I think and hope that that honesty will help me to learn how to form deeper relationships, even if that means a bit of conflict along the way. I have to accept conflict as a necessary part of life and whilst I will continue to endeavour to resolve any conflicts that arise, I will not suppress my own thoughts and emotions for the sake of others.
I also want to compare myself less frequently to people. The validation I need is not from saying I'm better than someone else and besides, eventually I'll find a way to feel worse than someone else. In the aim of comparing myself less often to people, I'm attempting to be on social media less. To do that, I've bought an Amazon Echo Dot to use as an alarm and Headspace (my meditation app) player and news updater so that I can leave my electronics outside of my room. This gives me the added benefit of giving myself more time to do meaningful things that I love to do because scrolling through Instagram double tapping photos isn't exactly a passion of mine.
Speaking of giving myself more time, I'm going to start reducing how much I do. I want to be active and dependable, but I don't want to spread myself too thin and sacrifice seeing friends, doing sport and playing music just to be so. I need to give myself some 'me time' and time to reflect more. That means learning how to say no to people when I need to and getting into more of a routine, including setting aside 15 minutes at the end of the week to note all of the things that I did well that week, so that I can maintain a positive outlook and gain self-validation.
Essential in all of this is to be optimistic that things will turn out alright. I’m quite an optimistic person anyway, but to hold onto that characteristic, I've started writing a gratitude diary where I have written "I Am Enough" at the front. I do this every day, even when it's been a bad one, because there is always something positive to be found, even if it's a painful lesson. There'll be more things that come up in the future and more things to do, so nurturing that optimism will help me focus on the positives, instead of doing the easy (yet exhausting) thing by getting into a rut and focusing on the sad stuff.
As you can probably imagine, being this honest is not easy, so I am proud of myself for being so open. It's partially due to the #ItsOkayToTalk posts circulating social media that has given me the confidence to share this, so thank you to whoever has done that. Also, thank you to my parents and a few friends, who I have begun being more open to and they have been super supportive in the process so far. On top of those thank you's, here's another to this American rapper called Logic who is extremely open in his mental health struggles. His honesty has inspired my own and I'd like to encourage you to adopt the same behaviour. Vulnerability is necessary for growth, so be honest with both yourself and others and be brave enough to speak about mental health, whether it's your own or someone else's.
Last but not least, if you're concerned about yourself or someone you know, contact one of the helplines listed on this page:
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/
Happy voluntravelling,
The Voluntraveller
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” (Bernard M. Baruch)