At the age of 21 years, 6 months, 1 week and 2 days, I feel I have lived enough of a life to teach everyone how to lead theirs. I also feel it’s safe to say that’s absolute bollocks, however, I have been doing a lot of learning over the past few years. So, with all of my experiences in tow, along with those of friends, family, strangers and strangers of the famous kind, here are my life lessons. This is my 100th blog post ever (whoop whoop) and possibly my most important - I really hope it helps.
At this point, I think it would be good to mention that this isn’t going to be a perfect set of advice – it cannot include everything and what works for me won’t work for everyone, so you’ll have to work out a lot on your own. Plus, I’ve separated this out to make it easier to find what’s important to you, but there is some overlap, so you may need to read other bits.
If you have any life lessons that I haven’t listed (or if you disagree with what I’ve written), then please write in the comment section below for us all to learn more!
Section 1 – Mental Health
Introduction
On the other side of whatever hard times you face is a much more fulfilling life.
Life is a balance and it takes a lot of failures to get that balance right (and then the situation will change, and you’ll have to re-balance).
Perfectionism/Failure
You know you’re not perfect, so don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes and not being the best.
Imperfection is a gift; it allows us to learn and work hard to achieve something. Without imperfection, life wouldn't exist (physics, innit).
Each time you fail, you learn one more combination that doesn’t work and are therefore one step closer to success.
Just being good enough is enough.
Self-acceptance must come before progress. It doesn’t work the other way around.
Self-Acceptance
You are enough as you are. No matter what else changes, that never will.
“Fake it until you make it” is bullshit.
Don't compare. Comparisons remove what is special about each individual and there will always be someone who beats you in at least one way.
Recognise what you have done well, even if it’s just getting out of bed when you want to stay in all day.
Take a moment to be proud of your achievements before moving on to do something else.
Be your own friend. Sometimes we can be too critical of ourselves, so imagine the advice you'd give a friend if they were in your position.
If someone’s opinion (including your own) isn’t helpful in that it doesn’t give you something to constructively learn from or something to improve your confidence, then ignore it. It’s not useful so it’s not worth your time.
Quiet Confidence
Put down all the different story lines that you’ve created about yourself and just be yourself
This is absolutely terrifying because you have to be completely vulnerable and you will risk losing friends.
You will lose the people who you do not want in your life (whether you know it or not) and attract those who you do. You will be surrounded by those who love you for who you are, and you won’t have to worry about feeling central to a group. Now that is beautiful.
Honesty
We lie to ourselves; we lie to those around us. We resist these emotions that we don’t want to have and ignore events that are embarrassing or painful. It doesn’t change what happened or how we feel, it just means that we look for refuge in the wrong places.
Let go. Don’t contain your emotions, be brave and explore them. Ask yourself: “why do you feel like this?” and then keep going until what you discover feels right.
Try not to identify with your emotions. It’s the dad joke law: “I’m unhappy” will get you the response “Hi unhappy, I’m dad.” “I feel unhappy” will provide perspective by reminding you that this is not a permanent feeling.
Your friends [and family] want to be there for you. This isn't your journey to face alone, so ask for help. Sharing makes you feel less isolated and stops you feeling like you're constantly hiding something.
Loneliness
Being alone is physical, feeling lonely is an emotion.
Being alone is not something to be afraid of, it’s an opportunity to read a book, learn an instrument, bake, sleep, play video games, sketch, watch TV… to do whatever you want.
Make being alone an opportunity and being with others a special gift.
Sometimes people are so scared of letting go of something that isn't good for them and waste their energy on it, just because they're scared of being alone. But once you realise that being alone is nothing to be afraid of, then you can suddenly leave behind the things that are dragging you down.
The Should Fallacy
Try to reduce the number of times you say “should”. You’re just setting unrealistic goals and beating yourself up for not achieving them.
Instead of saying that you should have done something, say what you'll do next time. Make it a positive learning experience, not a regret.
Turn "I've got to be better at XYZ" into "I would like to learn how to be better at XYZ" – accept that it's a process and that there is no quick fix.
If you “should” do something, ask why it's important to you.
There is no way that you should or shouldn’t feel. Accept and explore your emotions.
Take all of the should’s off your to-do list – only have things on their you have to do.
Searching for Happiness
You can only ever be happy in the moment – by searching for happiness, you’re getting further from it.
Happiness is not a state that you achieve and never lose. Even if you've learned to be happy at one point in time, you still have to learn how to be happy in the next. Take that pressure off yourself and appreciate the feeling whilst it lasts.
You can be happy for 5 minutes and then sad the rest of the day – that doesn’t mean that you weren’t happy.
Practice emotional hygiene
Section 2 – Other People
Helping others
"Our society will be judged by how we respond to those to whom we owe nothing." - Helen Bamber
"It's a cruel jest to say to a bootless man that he ought to lift himself up by his own bootstraps." - Martin Luther King Jr.
We all need help and we all need other people. There is no such thing as a self-made person.
You are worth no more or less than anyone else. The only differences between you and someone else is circumstance and luck.
Pass on what you learn to others to make their lives easier.
Sometimes helping someone requires sacrifice - just remember to let the person/people you're helping feel gratitude, rather than guilt, when you make that sacrifice.
It just… feels… good.
Empathy/Sympathy
There is always a reason for someone’s actions and it’s, usually, not because they’re an arsehole. When we’re stressed/in pain, we’re less resilient. Be patient and help them through what they're struggling with (and be prepared to tell them when they're taking the piss out of your patience).
Sometimes people push others away when all they need is a hug.
Just because something is easy for you, does not mean it is for someone else. Educate, don’t discriminate.
If it matters to you, it matters. If it matters to them, it matters. Don't disregard people's feelings or experiences.
Conflict
Either conflict happens within yourself, or it happens with someone else. It’s your choice.
You have to put yourself first sometimes. It may not seem like it at the time, but that is what is best for everyone.
Admit when you’re wrong. This is really tough, but the open-mindedness will help you learn, and it will help others to admit when they’re wrong.
Learn From Others
We all have different experiences in life, so we all have something that we can contribute.
We all, always, have something to learn.
Listen to people and ask questions (don’t just look for a place to butt in).
Diversity gives us an even larger, even more beautiful set of experiences to learn from. Discrimination, on the other hand, is horrible. Stop that.
Relationships (‘partner’ in this can be any sort of relevant relationship)
These are what make life worth living - in fact, people more socially connected are happier and healthier
Important relationships are not damaged by time apart.
Regularly give your partner a hug and let them know that you appreciate them.
“Hello” is a powerful word. Send a message, write a letter, invite someone over – let them know that they matter to you.
People give and receive love in different ways. Try to understand your partner’s and act on it.
Always try to learn out about your partner. People change, so what you knew before may not be true now.
Don't spread yourself too thin by trying to have good relationships with everyone. It's those deep connections that really count, those people you know that you can rely on.
Regularly remind someone you're there for them (it helps, even if they've shared stuff with you in the past). Also, thank them for sharing.
Conversations
Stop asking people “How are you?” unless you’re prepared to hear the real answer. I’ve started to ask people “anything good happen today?” It immediately makes people look for the positive.
Don’t focus on someone’s looks – speak to them as someone with genuine interests, skills and relationships because that’s exactly what they are. Otherwise people place their value on their looks and that's a slippery slope.
Section 3 – Important Bits and Bobs
Death (what life lessons would be complete without it?)
Accept that death happens and never at the right time. Accept that it can happen at any moment. Don't leave things unsaid and don't waste time worrying about people's perceptions of you or on things that take away from who you truly are.
The problem with looking at everything for the destination is that our absolute destination is death. It's the journey - how, why and what you do to get to the end, that really matters [in the end].
Purpose
Find something bigger than yourself and use that as motivation (don’t worry if you can’t find it immediately, it’s kinda difficult).
Your purpose or how you pursue it may change over time. That’s okay. Readjust. You got this.
Feeling Overwhelmed/Rushed
Breathe.
Take the time to relax, you don't have to reply to that message straight away. Just take a moment to get out of that agitated state. You're a human being, not a human doing.
If you genuinely cannot complete what you need to AND have a couple hours to do what you like, then you’re doing too much. Ask for help/reduce your workload.
Break your to-do list into what you can reasonably do over that next week – a big wall of things to do is overwhelming.
You cannot control everything, so stop pretending like every failure is your fault (e.g. you can revise hard for an exam, but you don’t choose the questions).
You can't please everyone or solve everything. In trying, you will end up going in the opposite direction and be miserable.
Being Present
Your attention is the most valuable thing that you own.
You don't have to learn how to be in the moment, you have to unlearn how to not be. You could always do it as a kid!
Try to be on your phone less – it’s a distraction from life and makes concentration harder. If someone wants you to know about something, then they’ll tell you.
Brewing on a bad moment just makes it worse. Learn and move on.
Change
Change is the only constant, so learn to be comfortable with it.
Don’t worry about change, worry is a misuse of imagination and just makes you experience a negative twice. Either recognise that you can do something and do it or recognise that you can't do something and know that you can deal with it.
Don’t let the fear of “what if?” determine what is.
Uncertainty is scary, but it also gives us options.
Change gives us the opportunity to re-evaluate in ways that we would not otherwise.
Forgiveness
You (and everyone else) have to take risks in life to make it worth living and will therefore make mistakes. That's okay.
Forgive yourself. Take ownership of the action, make amends (if you can) and learn a lesson, then move on. Harbouring guilt does not help you or those you wronged.
It’s not your responsibility to forgive others, it’s your responsibility to let go. If you are unable to forgive someone, ask yourself why and dig deep.
Personal
Understand who and what matters to you, understand what benefits you, understand what drives you. Focus on those things, deepen your love for them and you will find yourself living a much more fulfilling life.
Don’t try to be anyone else, not even your former self. You’ll just be a shadow of that person.
Sport/Food
Do sport because you enjoy it, not for the looks.
Forget about your weight, it's your health that matters.
If you want to diet, research it properly and fine tune it to yourself.
If you're vegan or vegetarian, eat supplements, you need them.
An Eclectic Mix
We progress more when we focus on our strengths, rather than our weaknesses (how cool is that?!).
Embrace the unknown/scary. Take risks.
You have to be willing to be let down to be lifted up in the first place.
Do the small things right – get up on time, make your bed, take the bins out – and everything else will follow.
Do things because you enjoy them.
Have a growth mindset. You may not be able to do something now, but constant, small gains may eventually mean that you can one day.
The everyday matters, possibly more than the big things.
Other people are faking social media just as much as you are. They cry sad tears; they just don't put them on their story.
The world is a better place than the news lets on.
You’re not alone. Someone understands what you are going through.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to do what's right.
Ask yourself "if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" If the answer is no too many times in a row, then you have to make a change.
Politics is about life, but it shouldn't be used to divide people. Also, you can ignore politics, but it will not ignore you.
Being an adult does not mean you have to stop being a child (although running around naked stops being endearing at a certain age).
Sometimes not getting what you want is exactly what you need.
Exam/Coursework results do not define intelligence.
You will probably never be able to do all this and that’s okay. Being content is so much more important than being perfect and you are enough as you are.
Happy voluntravelling,
Fabian
P.S. If you found this helpful and you think someone else will, then please share it!
P.P.S. If you’re struggling with anything, here’s a list of numbers you can contact: