As a kid, I wanted to be seen as the one doing things. As a teenager, I wanted to be seen as the one who knew how to do things. As an adult(ish), I want to be seen as the one achieving things. It was and often still is that external validation that motivates me (my external validation need will now be signalled by a 📣 symbol). I'm learning to not see that as a negative, given that's how humans have evolved. At the same time, it's something that I'm trying to move away from for the benefit of my mental health, but I've had over 20 years of the same validation method, so I'll be patient enough with myself in my attempts to make the transition to internal validation and to recognising my worth regardless of my actions.
This isn't really the point that I want to make, but it felt like it connected to the point I will make in a moment and, well, we'll see if it is.
Welcome to a stream of consciousness
I started writing this post partway through listening to an interview of Rutger Bregman on Tortoise Media. Up to this point, the interview had been about human nature and the specific part which prompted this post was when Bregman said that "what you see is what you get." It wasn't exactly that, so I'll take the praise for editing the meaning of that phrase (what a rhyme. Oh, and 📣). The idea is that what you expect from other people will have a large impact on what they become.
Now, I look back to my wanting to be seen to do things as a kid. I think it was really important to me that I proved myself as capable and mature so that I could impress my older brother (📣) Possibly. I don't know, but these are the things you come up with when you're exploring your emotions, reactions, choices etc.. Regardless of the reasons why I wanted to be seen doing things - not to say those reasons are unimportant -, I would take on tasks. Answer all the questions in class? Of course. Wheel out the projector and put the laminated sheet onto it at assembly? Yes please! Take the lead role in the school play? Give me that attention.
In all of those situations plus others that didn't fit into my list of three, I was handed a certain level of responsibility and with it a trust in my ability to handle that responsibility and perform. I never ever wanted, nor do I want, people to feel like they shouldn't have given me the responsibility they have entrusted me with. That's a whole new kettle of fish for me to explore on another day, but is inevitably connected to 📣. People seeing me as capable gave me a level of self-belief in my ability to do things of importance and I feel incredibly fortunate for that because it has enabled me to go on and achieve a whole lot more in my life than shaking the end-of-break bell or tidying the P.E. shed.
*Jesus (apologies to all relevant believers). I'm just taking this moment to say I was not expecting this post to get so deep. I hope that it's helpful to you or at least interesting and that the point doesn't get lost in my self-therapy.*
On the flipside, I've had people critique me either in my actions/ability or as an individual. Even worse, I've let people down and that's always been a particularly shit can of worms (I couldn't reuse 'kettle of fish', so moved to an alternative odd animal-related phrase). It's in doing those things and around those people where, unless something significant changes in myself or the other person, I feel least confident in myself and perform at my worst. It means that I've got this strange mix of self-belief and self-doubt.
People speak about 'momentum' in sport competitions and it is pretty much fictional. What's very much real is self-belief. What's happening when momentum is mentioned is that one side is gaining self-belief in their ability to win, whilst the other is gaining self-doubt in that same ability. Nothing has changed but mindset, but mindset is incredibly important to performance.
If we take the time to trust people's abilities to achieve and be kind, hand them responsibility and therefore the belief they can handle it, and push them further whilst genuinely acknowledging they are enough as they are, then I think the benefits will be enormous. Not just for that individual, but for yourself and wider society.
That's my Thursday morning Theory of Responsibility based upon the single case study that is me. Do you agree or disagree? What benefits do you think could emerge? I'd love to know your thoughts, so either tell me via the contact page or comment below (📣).
Happy voluntravelling,
The Voluntraveller
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