The Epiphany
Over the few months leading up to Christmas, I had been dealing with increased levels of anxiety and stress at the same time as believing in myself less. The turning point for me – more of an ongoing 7-point turn – came on Boxing Day. I was walking the dogs and listening to a Heavyweight podcast about children learning how to deal with grief.
Whilst listening to the powerful stories, I realised a) how critical it is to your wellbeing to confront your emotions so that you can process them, and b) that I had been too scared to do that and so I was inadvertently hurting myself. This realisation, combined with being in nature with no one else around, gave me an opportunity to change that.
After shedding a good number of tears and allowing myself to yell into the fields, I finally understood that the desire to feel like I belong – when for most of my life I haven’t had that feeling – is the driver behind many of my emotions and actions.
The Impact
I’ve always feared rejection and failure, but never understood why until now. And now I realise that all those times I acted in ways that weren’t me were so that I could fit in. I seek success after success after success because I feel embraced when I achieve things. Avoiding criticism and confrontation, trying to be the centre of attention, numbing myself through illicit means, dealing with things alone... I have used these things too many times as a safety net to avoid rejection and failure, the presence of which, to me, meant that I didn’t belong.
I have developed so many habits designed to protect myself that have turned out to be self-sabotaging and harmful. Procrastinating to delay failure, which makes it harder to succeed. Changing myself to fit in, then finding rejection harder because I thought I was presenting a better version of myself. Finding reasons why a relationship won’t work and thereby losing opportunities for connection. Ruminating to win arguments (because winning = success = belonging) leading to resentment and division. Staying alone to avoid conflict, thereby distancing myself from people.
The Fix
If I look back on the moments when I have truly felt like I belonged, it came down to feeling safe enough to be me. Other people can certainly help you on your way, but ultimately you are the one who has to live with yourself, so you have to be the one to accept yourself, warts and all.
Well, that’s kind of true. It’s been a week or two since I first wrote the above paragraph and in that time I’ve thought about it some more and heard some things to change my mind. So whilst it’s true that belonging requires self-acceptance, it’s probably not true that you can belong without others. Reflecting on it now, I think that I was probably repeating a habit of mine to circumvent relying on other people so that I can control my success and avoid rejection.
In the previous draft, I also tried giving advice on how to belong and accept yourself, but the reality is that I don’t know that what works for me will work for you with all of your different experiences. That being said, I would suggest making the time to ask yourself some tough questions and to be really honest with yourself so that you come up with your own answers.
If you’d like a list of some of the questions you can ask yourself, I’ll put some below. If you’d like to know my answers to those questions, then send me a message and we can have a chat about it.
How do you feel?
What are your fears? How do they influence you/your behaviour?
Are you being the most you? Why/why not?
Which relationships are contributing to your life? Which ones are taking away?
What do you get excited to do?
What habits are making your life worse and which ones are making your life better?
Have you got any beliefs about yourself and/or others that need to be challenged?
Good luck, everyone, you got this.
Happy voluntravelling,
The Voluntraveller
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