Recently, I've been having a tough time mentally. That being said, recently (even more recently than the original recently), I've been brave enough to face up to those emotions and the pain that I was in has turned into growing pains.
I'm writing this post as part of my Sunday musings series that I've recently (just a little more recently than the second recently) re-started, and I think that it's lovely that it comes on the first day of the year. Start off as you mean to go on and all that. I don't really know where to go with this, so I'm going stream of consciousness style. It's a personal favourite of family members when they get a card from me, so hopefully you embrace it just as much.
For as long as I can remember, I've had an unhealthy relationship with failure - seeing it as the antonym to success and a cause of rejection
I had a couple thoughts as to where this could go: the support of friends and family that you get when you finally choose to open up, the concept of how "it's darkest before the dawn", the joy when you choose to stick to a routine that works for you... Yeah, I'll go with that last one. There were plenty more options, but that one feels right for me at the moment.
For as long as I can remember, I've had an unhealthy relationship with failure - seeing it as the antonym to success and a cause of rejection - and so over recent months (about the same amount of recent as the first one), I've been struggling with not sticking to what I want to achieve. That's meant that I've gently and persistently chipped away at myself for not doing my yoga when I want to, not committing to my breaks, not getting outside enough, not doing my sport, not socialising as much as I'd like, not making my room, not waking up or going to bed on time, not following my self-care routines... you get the idea.
When that's happening daily for months and you have a fragile self-esteem like I currently do, that really takes it out of you. But not in any big chunks. It's almost like what my gran used to term 'wet rain' - you don't realise how wet you are until you're soaked and in much the same way, I didn't realise how deep I'd dug into myself until my anxious feelings had shot up and my general mood (and sleep) had dropped down.
The benefit of going through that is that it forces you to reflect. Once I chose to stop running away from how I was feeling, I was able to start figuring out why I felt that way. It was incredibly tough and I still have a lot that I can learn, but the truth is that you cannot process something that you deny is even there, so understanding is a huge part of the battle.
That understanding of myself that I've developed has meant that I have now started to make changes in my life that will benefit my wellbeing. They aren't enormous changes, but that's kind of the point. Slow and steady. Gradually building up my belief in my abilities is more useful to me than putting in tonnes of effort in for a week and then feeling down when my life isn't sorted.
It's nice that I can now say "trust the process" and I actually have a process to follow
One way I grew my self-belief was to follow my physical health routine, which in itself has other mental health benefits. I took inspiration from my physical health routine - where I have chosen a variety sports that I find fun and have a certain focus - to develop a draft mental health routine that follows those same principles.
I already had my daily 3x3 (three things/people that I'm grateful for, my three favourite parts of the day, and three things that I'm proud of) and occasionally wrote in my thoughts book, but I didn't have a plan in place to be more proactive.
The new routine maintains the 3x3 and the thoughts outlet and adds:
Monday: Questions. This is where I take the time to answer questions that I've thought of in the past
Tuesday: Goals. This is where I figure out what I want my goals (I used the plural term, but I focus on one at a time) to be and how they can be achieved following the relevant chapter in Guy Winch's book on Emotional First Aid, which I highly recommend
Wednesday: Rest Day. I don't do anything on top of the daily schedule. Not every day needs to be intense!
Thursday: Books. I read and take any relevant learnings from a book that helps me to grow - currently I'm still completing Guy Winch's book that I've had for maybe a year...
Friday: Podcasts. Same idea as books, but a different source of information. I've got an episode I want to listen to from Hidden Brain and also really enjoy "Where Shall We Begin?"
Saturday: Self-Esteem Exercises. From Guy Winch's book.
Sunday: Musings and Info Transfer. This post is a musing! A longer one and of a slightly different style than normal, but it's my series so I can say it counts as a musing. Then the info transfer is about moving the information from my current and previous thoughts books into my other books that focus on wisdoms, questions, self-discoveries etc.
I've also shifted my work hours to start later so that I can have more sleep (my body clock ticks a little later than I was letting it) and I will be going to a nearby café that I love at the start of every work day to ensure I get outside and build those tiny, regular connections with people (check out Hidden Brain: The Power of Tiny Interactions).
It's a hell of a lot when you put it down like that and I suppose it is, but it's manageable when it's split into different days and, after enough bad days, I feel fairly confident that this will make plenty of good ones. The tortoise approach means that I'm not overwhelmed by how much I have to do because I'm not trying to 'fix' myself instantly - which means the goals are actually achievable - and I don't have to worry about whether I'm finding the time to do all of the things that I know help me.
I want to be a brave person and it is impossible to be brave without feeling fear.
It's nice that I can now say "trust the process" and I actually have a process to follow, instead of moving slowly without any true idea of where I'm heading, which is what it used to mean when I told myself to trust that things would work out.
Now, whilst I want to maintain this current routine because it is healthy for me to do so, I do recognise that it could also be a sneaky strategy for me to avoid failure. I still need to improve my relationship with failure and other concepts, so I am going to work on them, possibly with the help of a psycho-therapist and definitely with the help of friends and/or family.
This shit's scary, but I want to be a brave person and it is impossible to be brave without feeling fear. And things are a little less scary when you allow people to help you and - to bring it back to the musing element of the post - you have a routine that acts as a path to get you out of the fog.
It's amazing how a routine can give you freedom. Now, I'm off for a cycle.
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